🌱 (seedling) | Literature note |

How to detect the silent relationship killer before its too late



  • The [[The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work - John Gottman]],
    • intensity of relationship conflicts increases significantly
    • fatigue makes it impossible to have an emotional connection
  • Resentment: The inverse of appreciation
  • Appreciation is defined as the “recognition and enjoyment of the good qualities of someone.”
  • paradox of delayed gratification – do you optimize for the journey or the destination?
  • letting go of your ego is a much easier route than digging your heels and trying to win the battle of who’s got it harder.
  • “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”
  • relationships need a “waste elimination system”
  • apply the $10K Framework to this question and ask ourselves “what would truly move the needle?”,
  • “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
  • What are you feeling right now?
  • Where is this coming from? (Note: not in a passive-aggressive tone)
  • How can I best support you right now?
  • Difficult Conversations, as Doug Stone,
  • link between difficult conversations and our sense of self.
  • What about your identity feels at risk?
  • What does this mean to you?
  • How would it feel if what you fear were true?
  • Bids are “any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection”
  • Bids are “little moments” that slowly build up mutual trust, funding what Gottman calls an “emotional bank account”
  • 86% of couples that “turned into their bids” stayed married
  • Yet to their subtle nature, bids can be easy to miss – especially once resentment has hardened a relationship.
  • Turning away can be devastating. It’s even more devastating than “turning against” or rejecting the bid.
  • Could or should I get better at making bids? How?
  • What keeps me from making bids?
  • What is my impulse for turning?
  • Do I turn away or against more often than I turn towards?
  • It helps to make the apology specific. “I apologize for raising my voice. I apologize for saying this mean thing.”
  • “I appreciate you.”
  • Say it as often as possible. Just make sure you mean it. Just make sure you feel it.


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