How to detect the silent relationship killer before its too late

Metadata

• URL: https://radreads.co/relationship-resentment/
• Published Date: 2019-01-19
• Author: [[Khe Hy]]

Highlights

• The [[The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work - John Gottman]],
  • intensity of relationship conflicts increases significantly
  • fatigue makes it impossible to have an emotional connection
• Resentment: The inverse of appreciation
• Appreciation is defined as the “recognition and enjoyment of the good qualities of someone.”
• paradox of delayed gratification – do you optimize for the journey or the destination?
• letting go of your ego is a much easier route than digging your heels and trying to win the battle of who’s got it harder.
• “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”
• relationships need a “waste elimination system”
• apply the $10K Framework to this question and ask ourselves “what would truly move the needle?”,
• “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
• What are you feeling right now?
• Where is this coming from? (Note: not in a passive-aggressive tone)
• How can I best support you right now?
• Difficult Conversations, as Doug Stone,
• link between difficult conversations and our sense of self.
• What about your identity feels at risk?
• What does this mean to you?
• How would it feel if what you fear were true?
• Bids are “any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection”
• Bids are “little moments” that slowly build up mutual trust, funding what Gottman calls an “emotional bank account”
• 86% of couples that “turned into their bids” stayed married
• Yet to their subtle nature, bids can be easy to miss – especially once resentment has hardened a relationship.
• Turning away can be devastating. It’s even more devastating than “turning against” or rejecting the bid.
• Could or should I get better at making bids? How?
• What keeps me from making bids?
• What is my impulse for turning?
• Do I turn away or against more often than I turn towards?
• It helps to make the apology specific. “I apologize for raising my voice. I apologize for saying this mean thing.”
• “I appreciate you.”
• Say it as often as possible. Just make sure you mean it. Just make sure you feel it.

Linking

• MOC 10K$ framework

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